Friday, June 4, 2010

All in a D-day's Work-ahol

Chapter 1: The MATTER

Well, dearest folks, the larger intent of the crux of this post is the common welfare of HUMANkind (proof that I'm not a sexist), especially the ones who think they happen to be working in a place like this. But before that,

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article—even those based on real people and events—are entirely fictional. The following article contains cheap language and due to its content it should not be read or even viewed by anyone.

When you are about to present the .ppt of your dearly-done work,

  • · In front of the VP of your company among other possibly hostile (pH) meeting inmates
  • · You’ve done your work way ahead of allotted time frame (which makes people laugh in your face when you tell them you’re done)
  • · The same pH inmates come in with an attitude that this is ‘tea time manoranjan’ especially since they do not have something that, one might say, would amount to a solid faith in one’s abilities and capabilities.

my advice is to make sure that you have one of these elegantly prepared up your.. um.. well, sleeve.

  • · With due respect, a response to that question at present would mean an unnecessary trivialization of and a digression from the core issue.
  • · Sir, yes of course, fine tuning a radio set does give you excellent voice quality but don’t you think you need to catch the signal first?
  • · If you want to drive around Rome, don’t you think it’s better to have someone experienced guide you (for instance the person who built it!)? Of course, you can follow the guidebook (.ppt) & do so yourself, but if you are not even willing to read it, what is even the point?
  • · If you want to understand Ramayana in 15 minutes, first make sure that you at least know who married who and who kidnapped who? Discerning, comprehending and appreciating finer truths like the Gods being the real villains & the poor chap Ravana becoming a victim of their foulplay & his own pride is an entirely different matter of proceedings.

Of course, these are meant to be utilized when you are thrown questions that are better answered later on but if the topic in question is even remotely confusing, then you may use these to dodge any god damn question. But don’t come back to me, all wet and sticky, if your sorry ass gets busted later on.

Rehearse all of these in front of the mirror since from at least two weeks prior to the start of the event in question & deliver them as though you are delivering a global warming speech at the UN or something.

Just nail it. And trust me, then would be the time when you’ll feel like you’re sitting on the top of the world with a rainbow round your shoulders and doing the Austin Powers style:

Yeah baby yeah, dance when it’s raining!

Now that I have provided you with an invaluable secret that takes you one long step closer to sheer awesomeness, wouldn’t you want to know how awesomely it worked in my case? You might want to know or you might not. But you are not going to. Lets just say it (the event in question) wasn’t so epic awesome as some of you might surprisingly expect (due to entirely different unforeseen and not-concerning-me reasons though).

Chapter 2: The Pseudo-MATTER (the what??)

And alas, in a world devoid of rainbows and rains and see through awesomenesses, one becomes inclined to consider the following considerable considerations:

* What can you do when people advise you not to develop a model because they think even Mr. Ching Chang Choo (PhD) (don’t you already know? That which makes him the Holy mother of God and anything that even remotely goes against his written (or cooked up) word amounts to blasphemy nonetheless) couldn’t develop one because he did not provide us with one? (also notice the seemingly innocuous presence of the letters ‘pH’, as described previously, in Phd)

* What can you say if an even brighter some-other-body, without even getting a whiff of what it's all about, suggests that you write a paper of the model that you have developed and get it published so as to prove that it's 'right'?

* What can you think when people do not even understand that it's them that you wish to protect?

… other than being terribly amused and thoroughly entertained!! I mean, thoroughly.

So, at the end of the day, when experience (‘which is what you get when you don’t get what you want’ – courtesy Aravind Nambiar) is what you are left with, you suffer the same fate as our good old Moses and end up finding yourself at the fag end of revelation of these:

  1. v Thou shalt not be able to develop the required model
  2. v Any model that thou shalt develop will be wrong
  3. v Thou shalt thyself prove and establish that thy model is wrong since I am busy attending ‘Super Best Friends’ meetings that are so very vital to thykind's existence.

(I do not have the vital juices left to nomenclate these commandments)

And, so the short story is..

The possibly-would-be Destiny-Writer: Develop the model bitch (on the inner evil side: he he ha ha ha, the hysterical laugh)

Me: Sir, here is the model

The pWbDW: The what? !! How cum you came up with something that I am unable to even question? You know what? EeeVEN Mr. Choo couldn’t come up with this, SOooo, this MUSTtt be wrong.

Me: Ya?

The pWbDW: (Hidden inaudible script: No, no, it is not up to me to try and understand and question your model) Now, it is up to you to understand why your model is wrong. So, you try and find out why Mr. Choo provided us with a stinker (and not something like yours) so that you will eventually understand why your model is wrong.

Me: (on the inner helpless lamb-like muted side) WT-Holy-Mother-of-F???

Me, again: (wearing the Gaaawd-ur-incredible look) You don’t saaay!!

Similarity of Position: Saw that episode of South Park in which the wrestling coach of South Park Elementary gets fired on account of it being found out that his phone contained gay porn? Next scene: the principal plays and shows to the coach one of those gay porn videos on his phone. But, guess what, the screen shows wrestling videos… !!!

relevant.script. – the imaginary people who were referred to here are not really bad at all. I am not simply writing it. I really mean it. After all, don’t we all know “whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you.. straaanger”? Huh?

Well, this essentially is the end of the story but if you do not possess that iota of self control that saves one’s general ass then you deserve to go on. But don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

Chapter 3: The Anti-MATTER

The world did not exactly give you a standing ovation but you of all people know what you’ve come up with: why more do you need any more?

And why then would you write about it?

Let me get straight to the point, so this might just seem like some nut crazy stuff you would do out of compulsive impulsion.. or wait, impulsive compulsion it is, rt? Ya, so, I was telling you that sometimes hens aren’t always that wet & feel like that they can actually take off: that is precisely when certain dogs like the protagonist in this story feel that they ought to share this crapurinuerium craptide (nomenclature is tellingly self-descriptive) with the rest of the world & increase its average level of crappiness, especially after since he had lost faith in writing a while back because written expression was what had inflicted on him an intense psychological damage – which, in itself, is a fascinating story, one that has been told and retold several times over and again. So, let’s not make it told, again.

But I ask you humble folk - How long can you keep Keats from writing? No matter what, just how looooong?? (No, that was not an attempt to answer a rhetorical question)

Good point made. Of course Keats has to write but if you are one of those shrewd ones who’ve made an observation that I am no Keats, you might be wondering why I made this point. Well, me too.

Yell, Scribble, Scratch.. well iz aal !! Now What?

Flipside - one cannot help but feel that he’s done something monumental enough, feel contented for the rest of his life (or existence, is it?): so why not hang up boots and go fishing (don’t ask how but ‘if wishes were fishes, donkeys would fly’ seems somehow relevant here *scratches head, scratches jaw… goes on with the rest of his body*)

You’ve lived your moment that took your breathe away. What does consummation or reciprocation have to do with it? Just live in those moments for the rest of your life. Easy & Convenient. Delude Yourself. What was ever the point in being real anyways? (Grey cell employment call: the circular causality of the sense of existence being a part of your imagination and of course, you in your entire self being a part of the existence)

“Who shall refrain that has a heart to love and in it the courage to make love known?”

Pardon the blatant nonsensical incoherence and apparent irrelevance. Not that I care though.

So, feeling contented, was it? Yes, of course, I digress, but –

“What’s the point in being to-the-point anyways?

Digression seems to be the natural course nowadays”

(Alright, you may stop laughing now. Thanks btw.)

So, next is what? No prizes for guessing. No point guessing.

End of show. Ciao.

P.S. - talk to me baby when I’m just up from a sweet (and really long) body numbing slumber! that is when I really feel unlimited: devoid of any limiting limitations that is.. this bit of unwarranted data is being targeted at my prospective employers so that they understand how to put certain someone to their best use: if you want the best (results) out of your best (ya, this is a bit of a stretch), you gotta let them have their best (mid-day snooze, preferably post little booze) so that they deliver their best (oh come on pple don’t get all worked up.. those guys are supposed be optimists after all, rt?).

I am now reminded of ‘Best of the best’... excellent movie… wish I could kick like Tommy Lee :-(

P.S.1 - do put up your better ideas and do not forget to come back & thank me when you actually use one of those (see, thing is, this is the closest I’ll get to feeling like a celebrity & that will also be a Consummation of sorts!!) and DO let me know if you are willing to make donation$ anytime because my willingness to accept donation$ is continual & perennial.

P.S.2 - ya, KA started this p.s.1.2.3 thing (at least, that is what I think). So what? I’m using it now.

P.S.3 - ya and there is at least one more that is shortly coming: telling you now so that you are presented with a series of shocks as opposed to a lethal slambang

P.S.4 - if you are thinking of suing me for putting up Shakespearean quotes along side (or along bottom, as the case may be) ass numbing self made stuff in italicized font, then better consult a top lawyer or something because there is no law prohibiting it! Ah hah! { Lim (n>∞) [ :P :P :P … (n times)] }

P.S.5 - Influences – Tarantino, physics, South Park, chemistry, Bhookailas, Wodehouse, Austin Powers, Kung Fu Panda, The Ten Commandments, South Park, Joker, Shakespeare (really?), Nikhil Chinappa, GnR, Martial Arts, Krish Ashok, Calculus!

Miscellaneous influences: hallucinatory, obsessive, long-lasting, soul corrupting & essence intoxicating strokes of imagination’s triumph over intelligence, insomnia as well as traumatic symplegia, mid-night-cravarical-hungaria, the general blogosphere, etc..

If you thought this tickled your funny bone, go see this, your bone will be so tickled, you wouldn’t feel like feeling funny anymore.