Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Apni tho Paathshala, chusthi ki Paathshala !!

Location: Classroom, 7th floor, Library building (beside Pamela Robinson building (naah, not 'Anderson', she hasn't yet been here; if she does though, we'll name all our bathrooms after her!! lol :D)), ISI-Kolkata.
Occasion: Lecture on Industrial crap or sumthing..
Action: Imagine stepping into my shoes at this point in time, then this is what happened to you that fine day-
You know that he is talking because you see his lips moving. You also hear noises coming from that direction and so you're sure that you are not day-dreaming (since lazy mid-day dreams are generally awesome to say the least). But you have no clue as to what is being said as the sound-to-sense conversion system in your brain temporarily suspends itself indefinitely for its own safety. You try to forcibly switch it on without regard to your own safety since you deeply appreciate his efforts to enlighten you considering his physical condition. The resulting torture ignites that violent streak inside of you and you seriously contemplate the following possibility: jumping off the seat and running out of the classroom, yelling like a mad dog, without even thinking of looking back and beating up real bad the first person who comes in your way.
All of a sudden, just then, a 'Wattun idea Sirjee' strikes you and you end up drawing a real life portrait of the person standing in front of you..

The real dilemma starts now. You then figure that the above illustration is inaccurate and that a more accurate illustration could be either of the ones shown below.

The Fat-ass


The Fat-head

But, I still am unable to decide which one's more accurate.
It's not that I am indecisive, just that I cannot make up my mind. So, please help!

***End of Prologue***

Just to throw some more light so that you see a brighter picture, here goes one of his beliefs in which he unshakably believes: (if you shake him up real bad though, you might end up disorienting his belief system... this I believe in, unshakably, of course :D)

"The sole objective of the Indian Banking industry is to give loans to the young Birlas, Tatas and Ambanis".

The logic:

" We are all assholes (he thankfully, does not make it a point to exclude himself) .. we have no idea about how to start a 'Koam-paani' (company, actually in standard English, which we lesser mortals are used to, deplorably so.. the 'om' of 'com' is pronounced as 'oam' of 'foam' and 'pany' as 'paani') .. we do not know what balance sheets are (dirty unwashed bedsheets hanging from a balance, may be) .. we cannot really say if having Sonam Kapoor with her Masakali on our ad campaign will be an asset or a liability .. we cannot figure out with certainty if making loss is good or bad for our koam-paani and so we might try finding out by distributing all our produce for free !!

So, if even he, his majestic-self, goes to a bank for a loan to start his own koam-paani, he will be duly sent off in no time with a 'Thank You for coming though, Sir" .. (don't really know how many bank visits it took to shake up his Hippo-headed determination leading him to believe in such an unbelievable conclusion!)

I say, he should have sent someone else for him instead :D

But our young 19 yr old Birla has grown up watching 'real' businessmen doing 'real' business (which means all other businesses that do not match up to their scale like say even 'Big Bazaar', for instance, are 'imaginary') and reading stories of his great ancestral forefathers who again were great businessmen. Really great. And so, even if that 19 yr old Birla, goes to a bank for a loan, which he might direly be in need of, our honourable banker simply hands over the accounts and what not, opens up all lockers and just bends over in anticipation. He might even send for his whole family if needed. "

This point is emphatically touched, in fact grabbed, stressed and strangled upon at the start of the lecture, in the middle of it amidst intense heat and intensity, at the end of it, as one of his triumphant conclusions (which in his view are one of those finer truths of our existence that need endless hours of brooding in simple appreciation), and a couple more times somewhere in between.

I could tell more about his intriguingly fascinating, mind numbing arguments and beliefs but I suppose I have better things to do in life; presently that supposition is all I've got. The thing is he doesn't seem to acknowledge, the very hard to digest fact, that our intellectual calibre has evolved beyond the 'LKG' level and seems to assume that our brain is about the size of a dried chick pea. His clock has also slowed down with age and so he is not really in sync with times. What more can I say!


-- I have a good deal of respect for this guy (We all have our faults, afterall!). This might seem paradoxical but it isn't. For me, respecting someone doesnt mean taking in everything they try to stuff up yours. 'Good' is good and 'Bad' is bad. 'Good + Bad' is not = 'Zero'. May be I've gone little too far here but that was just to up the fun quotient. And this is nothing compared to what we do to my dear old granny and she is a great sport and in fact loves it! :-)
-- Please help me decide by letting me know which one's a more accurate depiction and you might as well let me know what a balance sheet or an asset or a liability is.
-- Please be clear that the animal depicted above is not a Rhinoceres but a Hippopotamus: a rare mutant of Hippopotamus Amphibius to be precise, despite the horn(s) and some real bad teeth.
It is a Hippo with a horn - A Horny Hippo.. :D